Dad is full of wisdom.  Some of it comes as truly sage advice, while some of it we can look back on and have a good laugh.  Here are 101 of the best Dadisms broken down by category for your enjoyment (we also have Dad Jokes if looking for those as well)! 

Funny Dadisms 

1. I am not asleep; I am just resting my eyes. 

2. If there was work in the bed, you would sleep on the floor. 

3. Come in when the streetlights turn on. 

4. Just because the Lord picked your nose, does not mean you can. 

5. Do you think I am made of money? 

6. Turn off that dome light. I don’t want us to get pulled over! 

7. Money does not grow on trees! 

8. When I was your age… 

9. That will put hair on your chest.  (getting a boy to eat something) 

10. Were you raised in a barn? 

11. I should invest in the Utility Company. (kids leaving door open or lights on) 

12. If I am wrong, I will pay you 100 doll-hairs.   

13. There is people in “3rd world country” starving. (about eating all your food) 

14. A little hard work never hurt anybody. 

15. You have no idea how lucky you and your siblings are. 

16. You’re not going out in that. 

17. Don’t tell your Mother. 

18. Whatever you do in life, do not get old. 

19. I’m not going to tell you again. 

20. If I had a nickel for every time… 

21. You’ll thank me when you are older. 

22. Because I said so. 

23. What can I do you for? 

24. Rub it off. 

25. Are you working hard or hardly working? 

26. What’s the damage? (related to the cost of something) 

27. Suck it up. 

28. Use your brain kid. 

29. A little scratch never hurts anybody. 

30. You’re not going out dressed like that. 

31. Oh Dear! (when driving by deer) 

32. I’m a Dad, so I know everything. 

33. Did somebody step on a duck? (farting) 

34. What died in here?  (bad smell) 

35. I got my ears lowered. (haircut) 

36. Try your other right. (kid uses left when told right) 

37. Put socks on or you will catch a cold. 

38. I can give you something to cry about. 

39. If the refrigerator had a tanning bulb, you all would be sunburnt. (from Southern Living) 

40. Where do you think I got these gray hairs? 

41. You make a better door than a window! 

42. Did you fall in? (when somebody takes long in the bathroom) 

43. This is not a democracy. (when there are arguments about rules) 

44. You’re only young once. 

45. Am I talking to a brick wall? 

46. Your room is not going to clean itself. 

47. That is not going anywhere.  (after securing something down) 

48. Are you ready to rock-n-roll?  (ready to leave) 

49. Don’t spend it all in one place. 

50. I brought you into this world, and I can take you out! 

51. When you start paying the cable bill, you can have the remote. 

52. They don’t make them like they used to. 

53. Act your age. 

54. Don’t make me stop this car. 

55. That builds character. 

56. I turned out okay. 

57. Go ask your Mother. 

58. I have eyes in the back of my head. 

59. We needed this rain. 

60. For Pete’s sake. 

61. Can you take this back to the kitchen and tell the chef I didn’t like it.  (empty plate after a satisfying meal) 

62. You know what time it is?  It is time for you to get a watch. 

63. What part of NO don’t you understand? 

64. Don’t forget to check your oil. 

65. What did I just tell you? 

66. I’ll turn this car around! 

67. I don’t care what they’re doing! I’m not their father! 

68. Because I said so. 

69. Don’t use that tone with me. 

70. Mmmmm Milk!  (when driving by a cow) 

71. Long time no see! 

72. I am glad we are not going that way.  (referring to traffic) 

73. Nice of you to join us. 

74. You are going the wrong way. (when kids are going in the direction opposite of where their chore is) 

75. Police are coming for you! (when you hear a sirens) 

76. I wasn’t going to get very far without these.  (forgot their keys) 

77. What do you think I am… a bank? 

Wise Dadisms 

78. If you don’t have time to do it right, make sure you have time to do it over. 

79. If it’s not where you think it is, it is where you think it isn’t. 

80. If they jumped off a cliff, would you? 

81. Waste not want not. 

82. You can do anything you put your mind to. 

83. Life is not a spectator sport. 

84. And so it goes. 

85. Just do it, get done and be through with it 

86. If you have to look at the prices, you shouldn’t be eating there. 

87. Work smarter not harder. 

88. Two wrongs do not make a right. 

89. A short pencil is better than a long memory. 

90. Don’t let them out work you. 

91. Attitude is everything. 

92. Showing up is half the battle. 

93. You have to learn to stand on your own two feet. 

94. Lifes not always fair. 

95. You better straighten up kid. 

96. If I wanted to read, I would have asked you to write me a letter.  (stop texting and pick up the phone) 

97. If you are going to be dumb kid, you better be tough. 

98. Remember that men cannot be trusted…Other than me of course. 

99. You’ll understand the value of money once you start earning it. 

100. You have to leave things better than you found them. 

101. That is not wrong, it is just different.  (other customs/cultures) 

Father Knows Best – The True Dadism

Dads always have something to say. Some of the Dadisms are wise, some are witty, and quite a bit of it is memorable. So, whether it was a learning experience that stuck with you or a witty comment that made you laugh out loud, these comments often leave a positive emotional response to Dad’s advice.  

We have a long list of Dad Jokes for Holiday gatherings and general Dad Jokes that are good to use on the kids. Please enjoy and drop us a comment if you have other Dadisms that did not make our list.